so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
