I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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