So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
