my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
