My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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