Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
