Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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