talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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