I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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