I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
