i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
