You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
