I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
tell your sister to shave her snatch
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
