Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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