I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
