I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
