Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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