Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
