I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize