Cold hands, warm shart.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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