Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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