My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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