hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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