I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
