Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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