stop calling my apartment porn island.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
