Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize