if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
