So drunk, too bad you don't want this
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Drake has all the answers
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
