the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
