You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
