theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
