bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
