Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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