Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
