you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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