Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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