Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I am midnight drunk by noon
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
