Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
