Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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