Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
