i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
