Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
