he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
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