So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He kissed a someone with a penis
We got so high we made milksteak
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
