I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
