you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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