i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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