dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
