My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
