You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
