Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
id be glad to
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
