so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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