Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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