I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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