found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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