i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize