I love black thongs
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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