I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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