guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
