do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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