I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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